I am not a coffee drinker

By Ethan Hauser

The New York Times

October 18, 2014

I DON’T know what an Americano is. I don’t know what Chemex is, though I thought the point was to get chemicals out of our foods, not into. Maybe that is what the “ex” is for. I don’t know what cold drip is. (I do know what iced coffee is. Iced tea, too — Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban it and that’s what got him voted out of office, right?) I know what a latte is. I know what Starbucks is. Starbucks invented the latte, in Seattle, where the rain and natural beauty make people stay inside and create sprawling companies that eventually make people dependent and angry. I know what addiction is: I recently rewatched every episode of “The Wire.” Is espresso the miniature one, or is that cappuccino? I don’t know what Nespresso is. Did Nestlé buy espresso? Hello, Federal Trade Commission? Isn’t this against the law? I know what a barista is. They pull levers and shout and have better taste in music than I do. Some of them have mustaches and, so I have heard, draw pictures in the foam atop the coffee. Good for them — I am an ardent supporter of the arts. I know what free Wi-Fi is. That means you can check your email and tweet a picture of your muffin and do Facebook things. Catfishing and so forth. (I know what catfishing is.) I don’t know what “Fair Trade” is. I grew up with an older brother. I don’t know what pour-over is. I know what a comb-over is. I don’t know what single origin is. From what I understood in the sex ed classes of my youth, nothing originates from anything single. (Sorry, religious counselors and fathers of daughters.) Except amoebas. (That was in science class, not blush-inducing health and its desire-killing human anatomy illustrations.) I don’t know what the Cup of Excellence is. Congratulations, Germany. I don’t know what Keurig is. Could that be my Ikea couch? When I assembled it from the pictogram that came with it, I had several screws left over. Probably someday it will collapse. (Don’t go to Ikea on a Sunday unless you need to feel relieved about being single and childless.) A few weeks ago we celebrated National Coffee Day. Seems like that should come after the one when you fast, not before, no? But I am not a coffee drinker. Also not a morning person.

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Ethan Hauser is the author of the novel “The Measures Between Us.”